I would like to share, word for word, an entry from my Journal:
1/8/2012
Week 2
I still feel it, that overwhelming something that needs to get out. Today is Fast Sunday, so I'll try this.
This Church is true, this book is true. Surely as I live, I have felt two opposing forces, battling for my soul.
I testify that the Savior Lives. That he loves each and every one of us so much that he came here, and paid the price for every sin, every mistake, every sadness and sorrow.
He has paid all our debts, and all he asks in return is that we follow him.
I would like to thank Al Fox. Her testimony, her blog posts, posting things on facebook, has been a major force of change in my life. I thank the Lord that I have found her, at this time when I decided to change.
Feel and trust your inner voice
Chase your dream with desire
Show the scars you've been hiding deep inside
And reveal who you are.
Because your wounds are real
And you must rise from the sorrow.
And find your way out of the dark
Cry your tears from pain, face a new day tomorrow
And turn the hourglass again.
This happened because I was offended. Don't forget that. I made that choice and this is the consequence. Yesterday was my attempt to short-circuit the cycle, tho stop fooling myself, to start being in control. It's worked before, and I feel it is working now. I'll know for sure in a few days.
My defenses wish to seek sleep as protection from this, my dogmas are still reeling from last night.
Today, when I partake of the sacrament, things will make sense, if only for a moment. I am not unworthy because of this; It is the sacrament, the spirit, the Savior's atonement, that will wash this away. He does have power to save us from our sins.
Sleep will not take away the pain, only the Savior can. Because he has. This pain is the result of my sin. It is the price. This is the pain that he went through, and this is but a small taste.
No, I don't 'make him' anything. He willingly took this upon himself, because he loves you. Just as you would gladly take it for her. you would go back, and follow the darkness, through the pain once again, if it meant you could be with her.
That willingness, that humility, is all he asks, because he's already been though it for you. It's far worse the other way. Pan and torment indescribable.
You would, to be with her. You would, to be with him. You would go through it, if it meant you could go home again.
He did go through it. Jehovah himself, even Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God in the flash, he walked that road. He took responsibility for his father's plan, for allowing you to make mistakes, for allowing all the evil that you do.
He did it for you. He did it so you could be with her. He suffered indescribable pain and suffering, betrayal, and even death.
He sacrificed himself so that you might live, so that you could go home with her. One of your absolute best friends gave his life, gave his entire mortal existence.
So that you could have yours.
He won't accept my apologies for what I've put him through. He made the choice. He knew what he was doing. He apologizes that he couldn't do more, and that I still have to go through part. He apologies that it's hard, and that he can't do more than oppose the dark one. It's on me now, and were it possible he would take you the whole way.
He apologizes that he could not do all, that there must still be darkness, doubts, and death.
But he will make it right.
He is working, this very moment, to bring to pass your immortal glory.
He's building you your house.
He wants me to make mistakes, he wants me to live.
He wants me to live the life he never had. That is how to make it up to him. He was the Son of God, he was only half-mortal.
He could not make mistakes, not the same ones we can. He did what he did because he could remember. Everyone that he saw, he know. By name. Each person was a reminder to why he came, why he would do what he came to do.
To him, every person is Al Fox.
He is our savior, our Master, or King, and yet he sees us as greater than him.
His humility is unmatched. We have our doubts about our worthiness to be in his presence, and yet to him there is no question. He only doubts that he is worthy of ours.
We call him a God, and he calls us his.
He is the Ace, the high and the low. The first and the last, Alpha and Omega.
He is our God, he is our servant.
The last shall be first, and the first shall be last.
He is the First. He is the last.
He was born above all, and descended below all.
That justice may be met. For one to start low and go up, one must start high and go down.
Except that he was God. He is infinite, he is eternal. His grace is sufficient for all men and women who humble themselves before him. It is not sufficient to save us in our sins, it is not possible to go against our agency.
achoose you bthis day whom ye will cserve . . .
. . . but as for me and my dhouse, we will eserve the Lord.
-Joshua 24:15
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