Tales of Monkey Island

I've been putting this one off for a while, probably so that I didn't have to admit that the newest installation of what was once a great video game series, the long awaited Monkey Island 5...isn't good. I'll start with just a general (spoiler-free) review here, then in later posts (maybe as I replay it) I'll go through each one in more detail.

So, where do I begin here? Well, let's start with something positive. Maybe I'll do this in a good news/bad news or point/counterpoint format.

So, good news: fist point is that it's a welcome change from the atrocity that was Escape From Monkey Island, which favored an extended and overdone joke about tourists, which completely broke the game world. It would have been one thing had it been just a joke, or even a minor plot point. (I would have still hated it, but at least I could write it off) But no, it was the premise of the game. The main story. 'Guybrush vs. the Tourists.' (Granted, 'Guybrush vs. the Tourist Pirate Le Chuck' does have an odd ring to it, but maybe I'm just sick of 'Guybrush Vs. the Zombie/Demon Pirate Le Chuck' for the fourth time)

But enough about Monkey Island 4, this is about Mokey Island 5, or rather, Tales of Monkey Island. This is my first grievance for the game. It's 'not' Monkey Island 5. It takes place after the 'imaginary' Monkey Island 5. The more I think about this, the more it just seems like the reasoning here is to give the developers leave to do whatever they freaking want regardless of what's best for the series. Want to know what I mean? Read up on Malstrom's views of the Zelda series. He should be writing an article (one on his main site, not his blog) that addresses this very thing as he talks about the 'essence' of Zelda.

Good News the second: We leave the Tri-Island area to explore a new area of the 'Caribbean', the Gulf of Melange. This way we avoid a problem of Monkey Island 4, which re-tread old ground, and brought up massive ret-cons. (Herman Toothrot is Elaine's father? LOLWUT?) We leave that all behind, and I feel the game was better off for it.

Grievance the second: We leave Monkey Island with the Tri-Island area. That's right Monkey Island makes no appearance whatsoever in a game called Monkey Island. I was expecting it. The end of the forth part made a perfect set-up for it. And it didn't happen.

My only question is why? Why didn't we go to Monkey Island? Was it that hard to render Monkey Island in 3D? The treasure of Big Whoop (the source of Le Chuck's power) is in Monkey Island. No, instead Le Chuck gets his power from some vague 'voodoo energy.' This game is like a Zelda game set outside of Hyrule with Ganondorf as the main villain, Zelda's there too, and the Triforce is a non-factor and is only referred to as some vague power. (oh, wait.)

Good thing #3: The characters that you're expecting to always show up do. Stan, the Voodoo Lady, Murray, They're all there.

Grievance #3: The 'staple' characters that are stuck with always showing up make token appearances. 'Look, it's the voodoo lady!' 'Look, It's Stan, with his waving arms and impossible jacket!' 'Look! Look!! IT'S MURRAAAAAAAY!!!!!11!' *cue fanfare and fireworks, someone sreams, "Onion Bubs!"* "I will destroy you all!" quips murray. *cue laughtrack*

You know what, Murray actually reminds me of something...
Maybe I should make a Monkey Island Abridged series. *strokes beard*

You've shown me with this game that you're wanting to move on, but still you insist on beating dead horses. You insist on using the old characters, but where's Meathook? Wally? The Men of Low Moral Fiber? Was the new locale just a poor attempt at solving a 'getting stale' complaint without actually addressing the problem?

One more good thing: it's inspired a hilarious "I wonder what happens" semi-series that I just discovered, that goes through each episode before it came out. (spoilers of previous installments after the first.)

Corollary: I like the "I wonder what happens" more than I do the game.

Let's just end this with one final General Grievance: As with Zelda Twilight Princess and especially Spirit Tracks, as well as Video Game Movies (Hollywood and fan made), this game gives me the feeling that if you just changed some names and character models, you would have a separate game entirely, and nothing would really change except who gets paid. Yes, what you'd have is a rip-off/parody of Monkey Island, but that's what this is anyway. At least you'd be acknowledging what you're doing.

A rant about Zelda

The problem with Zelda is the puzzles. I'm not saying remove the puzzles entirely, because that would ruin Zelda as well. The thing is, in earlier games, the puzzles weren't obvious, they were a lot more simple and subtle. There was a time when entering a dungeon didn't feel like there should be a screen pop up saying "puzzle time!" In fact, maybe that's my new name for Spirit Tracks. The Legend of Zelda: Puzzle Time.

Nah, I think I'll save that for Zelda Wii (pending more info)

Many people complain that the dungeons themselves are the problems. Aonuma has responded to this by removing the 'dungeon-overworld-dungeon' setup. That's not what people mean. The reason why people like me hate and dread the dungeons is that they're BORING. They feel like a chore. They've become little mazes with puzzle-solving in the mix, not storming the dungeon and taking out the monsters ala Elder Scrolls, the older Zeldas, and every other dungeon crawler ever made. I don't hate the dungeon/overwold set-up, in fact, I love it! I hate the fact that the overworld is diminishing, and the dungeons are regressing to puzzles.

Take Twilight Princess, for example. When I got to that last dungeon of Hyrule Castle, I was expecting to storm the castle and be taking down enemies left and right to rescue Princess Zelda like the opening to Link to the Past. What I got was a puzzle in the castle courtyard involving using the boomerang to spin the pinwheels in a particular order in order to open the gate so I can open the chest to get the key. But this isn't the key to the main doors, oh no, this key opens a door to the other side of the courtyard where I fight a bunch of monsters including their leader who finally gives me the key to the main doors.(no, seriously. Halfway through the fight he talks to you and gives you the key.) That's right, all that just to get into the castle.

That was not fun. It was only compounded by the fact that all of the enemies, even the leader, were CAKE for being the final dungeon, (or, rather, being outside of it.) And then there was forced 'arena' matches on the way where you got fenced in with terrible AI. That didn't help. At one point you're facing upwards of six enemies, in an enclosed area, with no threat of death, or even of the enemies even harming you. When I'm up against six enemies at once in the final dungeon of a game, I should be peeing myself, not being annoyed.

Alright, so I finally get into the castle, I get to really start storming it now, right? Of course not. Immediately inside, in a nice open area, I get to...hookshot onto chandeliers which activates switches that will raise platforms! In the next room I get to light torches in a particular order (because they burn out at different rates) to open the door! I get to transform into a wolf so I can see dead knights which show me the way across a pitfall-riddled floor!

Yeah, that last one sounds awesome...but describing it shows what was wrong with the whole thing. I transform into a wolf so I can talk to ghostly undead knights who show me the way across a pitfall-ridden floor...and it's nowhere near being as awesome as it sounds. It sounds awesome, but it just comes across as another puzzle. I think that the same sort of thing, set up right, dropped in between pants-wetting battles would add to a defecation-inducing level of scary-awesome that that whole dungeon should be, and is even telling me with the music and atmosphere that it should be, rather than the yawn-inducing level of boring that it is.

The game even goes so far as to taunt you with the music, which consists of the 'storming the castle' song in Link to the Past, slowly evolving into Ganon's theme. The music tells me I should be fighting off twisted guards, hordes of monsters, and whatever else a final level can throw at me. What do I get instead? PUZZLES! And a few token enemies.

There's even one point where I go outside to a terrace and am confronted by a bunch of enemies at once. All different kinds, with different strategies(which skirt dangerously close to 'puzzle' territory in and of themselves) to defeat them. I get hyped because I see a fight that might actually be a challenge. Then there's a big explosion and the super-happy-go team of the Hyrule Resistance show up. And guess what they do? Nothing! They show up, spoil the fun, and leave to let you do your thing. Thanks, guys. I thought you were annoying and unnecessary before, but now you've just taken the cake and ruined what had the potential to be, I'm not kidding, the best fight in the game
for absolutely no reason. The fact that I consider that potential fight the only real challenge should be telling you something.

Now before anyone says "Dur, hur, Cave of Ordeals?" That's not the same. I want a hard fight, not a cheap one. What's the difference? An endurance round where you aren't given any hearts and the only way to beat it without killing your controller/system/TV/neighbor is to use a ridiculously expensive suit of armor which, in a cruel twist of developer irony, drains rupees. And it's otherwise completely useless. That is not fun. That is cheap. Want another example? Megaman 9 (and what I've seen of 10) is cheap. They look like they were made by (or for) the Super Mario World modders, and look like they could give nightmares to the inventors of the Kaizo Trap. That's why I have no intention of playing either.

Above: if Keiji Inafune created New Super Mario Brothers Wii

Moving on to the final battle, do you get something like Ocarina? Lets see, in Ocarina, you fight Ganondorf with the now-obligatory magic ping-pong, while with every hit you land on him more of the floor drops down. When you drop down, it is a pain to climb the central pillar again and again, but to some extent you're grateful for the brief respite to psych yourself back into the fight (and collect some hearts.) When he's dead you flee his collapsing tower only to fight his 'final boss' form.

Let me describe this final battle. You're fighting a monstrous pig-beast in the ruins of it's own castle, which is itself floating atop a pit of lava, which is then surrounded by a ring of destruction and ruined Castle Town beyond that. You're trapped with the boss inside a ring of fire while your magic sword is outside of the ring of fire. This is all set to crazy-awesome-epic music, Complete with (Nintendo 64-era) choirs. I still get chills when I play that. (assuming, of course, I pay the game past the Water Dungeon.)

Now let's take a look at Twilight Princess's final battle(s). First, you fight Zant, The big scary guy you remember from the cutscenes who took over Hyrule, bathed it in shadow, and stabbed you with a curse that trapped you as a wolf. You storm into the throne room and...he's randomly crazy now. Not intimidating anymore. His 'boss fight' consists of an amalgamation of every boss fight so far (in what seems a pathetic attempt to try and 'use the items more') And he goes down like a pansy.

But that's not the real boss fight, you have to go to Hyrule Castle! (for no other reason than your companion tells you to. I personally had no desire to go at all. I did what I set out to do.) So after the previously ranted about puzzle-dungeon of Hyrule Castle, you get to Ganondorf. Then you get not two, not three, but FOUR stages of final battle. The first fight is pretty cool; despite being another round of magic ping-pong, because you're fighting a possessed Princess Zelda.

After that, Ganondorf transforms into Ganon! What do you get? A dual-wielding awesome-fest like previous installments? No. 'Ganon' this time around resembles a giant boar(pun?), and the fight consists of more freaking goat-stopping from the beginning of the game (I guess all that herding actually paid off!) mixed with the Phantom Ganon fight from Ocarina.

So, you fought Ganon, game's over, right? You see a cinematic as your shadow-friend Midna turns into a giant monster with a huge Trident, Goes after Ganondorf, and....you get teleported out of the Castle and into Hyrule Field, where you see the castle explode in the distance. yay.

Then Ganondorf appears somehow bringing a horse with him. (maybe he transformed Midna?) And of course, A horse chase ensues (which is exactly what I think of when I think 'final battle': epic horse chase)

But wait, there's more! The final final battle consists of a duel. One that can be beaten really fast with good timing. We can't have the game too hard, no, that would make it so newcomers (or, y'know, anyone) won't face any challenge during the FINAL BATTLE.

Of course, all these final battles have music screaming 'this is epic,' (complete with gamecube-era choirs) but without any real threat of death, (you might die once, but only because there's four stages of final battle)I'm not buying it.

I really am curious, with all their efforts, how many 'newcomers' they actually got with Twilight Princess.